My irreplacable Darling Heather, Its Christmas Day both here and now in England, a time for being with family, happiness and gifts, the most precious gifts you gave me were our children James and Jess who we adore, the most most most precious gift I ever received was you and I just cant see life without you, its good being here but lonely and cannot add happy to the Chritmas word , am sobbing uncontollably because Amelie is wearing a lovely little pink dress that you bought for Anna, how I can tell its just your amazing choice, your memory lives on my darling.also V is wearing the gold padlock bracelet ,I bought for you for one of our wedding anniversaries in Tiffany,s in Raffles ,Jess kindly sent it over with me, Im so touched she likes it and how appropriate to wear it today. James has booked Raffles for Chritmas dinner, not the 8th wonder of the world, you are, Im dreading it as all I will see is you and I together there in happier times, Im doing my best to hold it all together. So pleasing to see grandchildren opening presents,I pray Tythe Farm will be the same, distance make life impossible for families, how I miss all those good times you made so special at Lingles Farm for all of us, please be looking down on me and walking beside me as I need you so much, you once told me the impressions we leave on life ammount to the ripples left when you take your hands out of a bucket of water, I can tell you yours for me are now are tidal waves and wont be long before they become a Tsunami, I wish I could handle everyone elses deserved happiness when I am lost in this wilderness without you and that sadly will never change. I look at your photo beside me in this lonely bed with your lock of hair, your casket with a red candle I lit yesterday ,that will burn constantly over this Christmas time and wished beyond wishes that things were not as they now are, you should be here with me, life is so cruel, what did we do to deserve this, it would have been so much better if it had been me although I would never have wanted you to suffer my loneliness and pain. Untill the next time my darling please wait for me, watch over me and take my everlasting love my darling on another extremely emotional day. Alan.xxxxx